It’s been a lifetime. Well, at least the lifetime of a well-lived goldfish. You see, I have a lot of spare time, have had, for about 7 months, things are picking back up now, but I've had a recent affair with Netflix, and it's taken up a lot of my spare time. I've decided to pick up on other things, more productive things. Things like speaking to you beautiful bastards.
Now that most New Year Resolutions have dwindled into nothing but broken promises, I thought it was time to for me to reflect on events in the past year. And let me say, it sucked. That is the short version, you can stop reading now if all you wanted was confirmation. If not, keep reading at your own risk...
2014 saw many things, in fact, I'm sure there are dozens of webpages that can break down all the important things that happened, flush with HD videos and pictures, but what fun is googling when you can read about some of them here, and get my view of things. Because we all know, my view is fantastic. Not jaded or anything.
Now to the point. 2014 saw many things, as time always does. In that year, there is much we will all carry forward. The optimists will see the good things, the newborn babies and weddings, new jobs, falling in love, blah blah blah. The pessimist will see police brutality and murders, horrid laws put into effect, rioting and protesting, health problems, bills, losing jobs, etc. I'm a little of both. I can't help, like most humans, finding good things to hold onto some hope, and dwelling on the bad things just so I can complain. Admit it, deep down, we are all a little of both.
At times, we all feel as if the weight of the world is on our shoulders, any given moment can make or break us. Well, that is true. Here are just a few things to think back on:
Scottish Freedom referendum- September 2014
Robin Williams Committed Suicide
25th Anniversary of the Fall of the Berlin Wall
A European spacecraft landed on a comet
Ukraine and Crimean Crisis
Protests in Ferguson
Brazil hosted the 2014 FIFA World Cup, which overshadowed a whole bunch of protesting
EBOLA
Conflict in Israel and Gaza...I bet you forgot.
Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia
The Hong Kong protests (Did you even know this happened?)
The Thai General Election Scandal (How about this one?)
Malaysian Flight MH370 disappeared into thin air on March 8. (Conspiracies, I tell you.)
AirAsia Flight QZ8501 crashed
The South Korea Ferry Disaster
India launched satellite Mangalyaan into orbit
ISIS!!
The Turkey Mine Accident which killed hundreds
And so on...and on and on and on.
But what about YOU? And ME? What about our year? Was it good? Was it bad?
Well, MY world got turned upside down, inside out, and all kinds of hallucinogenic.
2014 was the year of the Disease.
At least for me. Crohn's Colitis. And you know, it isn't even the fact that I am damaged, but I do recall one moment with my mother, who did a lot of listening during that period, where I was still immensely ill, weak, and on a slew of prescribed drugs. Needless to say, there were not many lucid moments for several weeks. But that moment, I had just gotten off the phone with a close friend who was trying to do all he could to help me from worlds away, and I went outside and broke down. I remember telling my mother that the worst thing about it all, was if something ever happened, I wouldn't be okay. Seriously, if SHTF, I was screwed because of this disease. Personal integrity and inner strength just wouldn't be enough. And that bothered me, because it meant I lost independence. Not that we can ever make it through this world alone, but that I lost the ability to rely on my body. That is depressing. You wouldn't really think so, but I was beyond devastated. Of course, now it all feels like a distant memory, but if I sit and think about it long enough, remember the thoughts and feelings I had at the time, it sends shivers down my spine.
I was anger incarnate. Rage infested to my core, and completely helpless. I could barely even go to the bathroom on my own. This internal bodily disease had manifested another consciousness in me, one that was out for blood. Eventually the anger metamorphosed into despair, and if I could choose, I'd rather have the bloodlust. I'd never truly understood depression until then. There were years I was indifferent, a few I was sympathetic, and, after experience, I am now empathetic. I would only wish it on my worst enemies. I had completely lost what it meant to be Sera, and no amount of external encouragement or love could bring me back.
We all carry torches and fire within us. Some are small candle flames that flicker. Others are raging forest fires, and dare I say, some burn with the ferocity of dying stars. We use those torches to light our way through life. To choose what battles we fight, what paths we may blaze, to illuminate our most important choices. When you lose what it means to be you, it’s as if the only part of you that ever existed was your own perception of you. And how dare all these people around you go on with their lives?! How dare they stand up, walk around, drive a vehicle?! I mean, I got PISSED OFF, seeing people able to walk around as if it was no problem at all, because I couldn’t.
We all suffer from loss. But there is no loss as severe and wretched as the loss of yourself. Everyone talks about respecting yourself, loving yourself for who you are, getting to know yourself, and so on. I always thought it was all good points, but never really gave it much more thought than that. I didn't have to. Because the funny thing about losing yourself, is you didn't really know yourself to begin with. And you can say I’m ridiculous all you want, because if you disagree, you probably haven’t been there, and this post isn’t meant for you.
It's not until you regain yourself, that you truly get to know who you are, and become truly comfortable with yourself. Because now, you have to either accept yourself or change, because you've seen yourself at your worst: A Void.
And Nature hates a void.
So, I have some advice for all you folks out there. Lose yourself. It’s going to hurt worse than any physical pain, but DO IT. I’m not saying go and get a disease like I did, not that I got it off the shelf at your local Wal-Mart or anything, but lose yourself. Completely. It will suck, and there is no amount of motivational videos to make it better. Believe me, I know (make sure to drink lots of water during all that video watching, dehydration is very likely due to excess crying).
I’m not saying I’m glad to have Crohn’s, not by any means do I enjoy it. In fact, there might still be some remnant self-pity and anger there, but nothing beyond the normal limits. However, I am saying losing myself was the hardest thing I’d ever done, and getting ME back was even more difficult, but I really think there was a journey to self-discovery there. I had no idea who I was before, I thought I did, but I was clueless, and odds are, some of you are, too.
Here are a few tips to help you along the way, and if you’ve already lost yourself, or you are just bored, I’m sure many of you can just, you know, agree.
Life is a wonderful terrible thing.
Fear is healthy; it means you are paying attention.
There is an interest in every idea, and a person for every interest.
Tolerance only goes so far, and no one is required to be tolerant.
Never hold your tongue, keeping your mouth shut won’t change anything.
Change is the only thing you can rely on.
Embrace the bad memories; they are what mold you the most.
Faith is not the same as belief.
Beliefs and respect are not synonymous.
If you are easily offended you either don’t know enough to be secure about your idea, or you are wrong.
Doubt is healthy, Health is relative.
With every pain, there is a dark and hidden pleasure we get from it.
With every doubt there is a realization.
With every right, there is always someone who will fight to take it, concern yourself only with what you believe your own rights to be, and fight for them, and for yourself.
The surface of the world is pretty, but it is forged by ugliness.
*If at this point you are still reading, I do plan to update this page, seeing as how it is MASSIVELY outdated.*
Now that most New Year Resolutions have dwindled into nothing but broken promises, I thought it was time to for me to reflect on events in the past year. And let me say, it sucked. That is the short version, you can stop reading now if all you wanted was confirmation. If not, keep reading at your own risk...
2014 saw many things, in fact, I'm sure there are dozens of webpages that can break down all the important things that happened, flush with HD videos and pictures, but what fun is googling when you can read about some of them here, and get my view of things. Because we all know, my view is fantastic. Not jaded or anything.
Now to the point. 2014 saw many things, as time always does. In that year, there is much we will all carry forward. The optimists will see the good things, the newborn babies and weddings, new jobs, falling in love, blah blah blah. The pessimist will see police brutality and murders, horrid laws put into effect, rioting and protesting, health problems, bills, losing jobs, etc. I'm a little of both. I can't help, like most humans, finding good things to hold onto some hope, and dwelling on the bad things just so I can complain. Admit it, deep down, we are all a little of both.
At times, we all feel as if the weight of the world is on our shoulders, any given moment can make or break us. Well, that is true. Here are just a few things to think back on:
Scottish Freedom referendum- September 2014
Robin Williams Committed Suicide
25th Anniversary of the Fall of the Berlin Wall
A European spacecraft landed on a comet
Ukraine and Crimean Crisis
Protests in Ferguson
Brazil hosted the 2014 FIFA World Cup, which overshadowed a whole bunch of protesting
EBOLA
Conflict in Israel and Gaza...I bet you forgot.
Winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia
The Hong Kong protests (Did you even know this happened?)
The Thai General Election Scandal (How about this one?)
Malaysian Flight MH370 disappeared into thin air on March 8. (Conspiracies, I tell you.)
AirAsia Flight QZ8501 crashed
The South Korea Ferry Disaster
India launched satellite Mangalyaan into orbit
ISIS!!
The Turkey Mine Accident which killed hundreds
And so on...and on and on and on.
But what about YOU? And ME? What about our year? Was it good? Was it bad?
Well, MY world got turned upside down, inside out, and all kinds of hallucinogenic.
2014 was the year of the Disease.
At least for me. Crohn's Colitis. And you know, it isn't even the fact that I am damaged, but I do recall one moment with my mother, who did a lot of listening during that period, where I was still immensely ill, weak, and on a slew of prescribed drugs. Needless to say, there were not many lucid moments for several weeks. But that moment, I had just gotten off the phone with a close friend who was trying to do all he could to help me from worlds away, and I went outside and broke down. I remember telling my mother that the worst thing about it all, was if something ever happened, I wouldn't be okay. Seriously, if SHTF, I was screwed because of this disease. Personal integrity and inner strength just wouldn't be enough. And that bothered me, because it meant I lost independence. Not that we can ever make it through this world alone, but that I lost the ability to rely on my body. That is depressing. You wouldn't really think so, but I was beyond devastated. Of course, now it all feels like a distant memory, but if I sit and think about it long enough, remember the thoughts and feelings I had at the time, it sends shivers down my spine.
I was anger incarnate. Rage infested to my core, and completely helpless. I could barely even go to the bathroom on my own. This internal bodily disease had manifested another consciousness in me, one that was out for blood. Eventually the anger metamorphosed into despair, and if I could choose, I'd rather have the bloodlust. I'd never truly understood depression until then. There were years I was indifferent, a few I was sympathetic, and, after experience, I am now empathetic. I would only wish it on my worst enemies. I had completely lost what it meant to be Sera, and no amount of external encouragement or love could bring me back.
We all carry torches and fire within us. Some are small candle flames that flicker. Others are raging forest fires, and dare I say, some burn with the ferocity of dying stars. We use those torches to light our way through life. To choose what battles we fight, what paths we may blaze, to illuminate our most important choices. When you lose what it means to be you, it’s as if the only part of you that ever existed was your own perception of you. And how dare all these people around you go on with their lives?! How dare they stand up, walk around, drive a vehicle?! I mean, I got PISSED OFF, seeing people able to walk around as if it was no problem at all, because I couldn’t.
We all suffer from loss. But there is no loss as severe and wretched as the loss of yourself. Everyone talks about respecting yourself, loving yourself for who you are, getting to know yourself, and so on. I always thought it was all good points, but never really gave it much more thought than that. I didn't have to. Because the funny thing about losing yourself, is you didn't really know yourself to begin with. And you can say I’m ridiculous all you want, because if you disagree, you probably haven’t been there, and this post isn’t meant for you.
It's not until you regain yourself, that you truly get to know who you are, and become truly comfortable with yourself. Because now, you have to either accept yourself or change, because you've seen yourself at your worst: A Void.
And Nature hates a void.
So, I have some advice for all you folks out there. Lose yourself. It’s going to hurt worse than any physical pain, but DO IT. I’m not saying go and get a disease like I did, not that I got it off the shelf at your local Wal-Mart or anything, but lose yourself. Completely. It will suck, and there is no amount of motivational videos to make it better. Believe me, I know (make sure to drink lots of water during all that video watching, dehydration is very likely due to excess crying).
I’m not saying I’m glad to have Crohn’s, not by any means do I enjoy it. In fact, there might still be some remnant self-pity and anger there, but nothing beyond the normal limits. However, I am saying losing myself was the hardest thing I’d ever done, and getting ME back was even more difficult, but I really think there was a journey to self-discovery there. I had no idea who I was before, I thought I did, but I was clueless, and odds are, some of you are, too.
Here are a few tips to help you along the way, and if you’ve already lost yourself, or you are just bored, I’m sure many of you can just, you know, agree.
Life is a wonderful terrible thing.
Fear is healthy; it means you are paying attention.
There is an interest in every idea, and a person for every interest.
Tolerance only goes so far, and no one is required to be tolerant.
Never hold your tongue, keeping your mouth shut won’t change anything.
Change is the only thing you can rely on.
Embrace the bad memories; they are what mold you the most.
Faith is not the same as belief.
Beliefs and respect are not synonymous.
If you are easily offended you either don’t know enough to be secure about your idea, or you are wrong.
Doubt is healthy, Health is relative.
With every pain, there is a dark and hidden pleasure we get from it.
With every doubt there is a realization.
With every right, there is always someone who will fight to take it, concern yourself only with what you believe your own rights to be, and fight for them, and for yourself.
The surface of the world is pretty, but it is forged by ugliness.
*If at this point you are still reading, I do plan to update this page, seeing as how it is MASSIVELY outdated.*